From: skunk-works-digest-owner@mail.orst.edu To: skunk-works-digest@mail.orst.edu Subject: Skunk Works Digest V5 #401 Reply-To: skunk-works-digest@mail.orst.edu Errors-To: skunk-works-digest-owner@mail.orst.edu Precedence: bulk Skunk Works Digest Tuesday, 29 August 1995 Volume 05 : Number 401 In this issue: Ooze #6 1/3 Re: Request for help on SKUNK WORKS Re: Request for help on SKUNK WORKS aargh! Broken Arrow? Re: aargh! See the end of the digest for information on subscribing to the skunk-works or skunk-works-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: DrBubonic@aol.com Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 16:54:56 -0400 Subject: Ooze #6 1/3 O O ZZZZZZZZ 0 0 0 0 Z EEEEEE O OO O Z E O OO O z E O OO O Z EEEEE O O O O Z E 0 0 OO z E 6 ZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE _____________________________________Fall '95 "A Journal of Substance, Wit, and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits" See Ooze in Full-Color Splendor at http://www.io.com/~ooze/ OR e-mail drbubonic@aol.com for a macintosh application with pretty pictures, subscription info, back issues, or cash. MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE VICE-PRINCIPAL OF OOZE Good morning Students-- I'm Jerry P. Reemer, Vice-Principal, disciplinarian, father, and the editor of this issue of Ooze. Summer is once again coming to an end and many of you fine young men and women will soon be roaming the hallowed halls of academia, ready to learn. Some of you, however, will not be so willing. These miscreants, and you know who you are, consider yourselves too "hip" for school. You'd rather be outside on the front steps smoking your "funny" cigarettes than down in the math room learning how to solve quadratic equations. You'd rather poke your nipples full of holes with a rusty needle than be moved by the gripping poetry of Robert Frost! Won't you be surprised, Mister (or Miss) Generation Slacker when you saunter into school this Fall Semester in your ripped jeans and baggy underwear, and find a few things have changed? And for the better, if you ask me. This year the United States Supreme Court gave me, your Vice Principal, the power to give you students a drug test, ANY TIME I FEEL LIKE IT! I can't wait. If I see any of you spaced-out "hippies" wandering the halls when you're supposed to be in the lunch room, I'm gonna whip out my specimen bottle and sample your urine RIGHT THERE in the hall. That way you can't do some chemical Hoodoo-Voodoo on it because I'll be right there... watching. And I can tell by sight, smell or taste wether or not you're flying high on the Jumbo Jet of Depravity. Then you'll be sorry you tried to make a fool of Big Jer Reemer. It's only a matter of time before the Supreme Court lets me mete out justice with my paddle again. Ever notice the heavily varnished oak paddle that hangs over the desk in my office? It's my "Board" of Education. A finely-crafted, hand-tooled, Rod of Smiting that the one-eyed shop teacher sanded oh-so-finely for me. It's got five large-bored holes chiseled in the middle to cut down on air resistance when I'm smackin' ass. As an added bonus the perforations create a piercing scream as the Rod arcs above a troublemaker's tender, red buttocks. I relish their naked fear, eyes bespeaking terrible horrors to come. My Rod falls again and again, soft as a gentle caress. Hard as a ... Well, that's why I'm here. Who better than I to lend my firm discipline and benevolent presence to this magazine? You'll be free from the pornographic influence that has turned the internet into a cheap, sleazy red-light district. The kind of place you'd go into a booth and pump quarters in order to glimpse a woman and a donkey perform an unspeakable tango. A place where painted Women of the Night spurn you and your hard earned money because of the hideous sores that cover your body. Where you can purchase frightened immigrant children and make them do light assembly work in your basement. People have to be protected from these deviant activities. Now, I haven't done many of these things with any great frequency myself, but I know porno when I see it. Fear not brave info-naut! Together, we can make the internet as safe as any good American public school. See you in class, Jerry P. Reemer - ----- STAFF-O-RAMA Staff: Matt Patterson (drbubonic@aol.com) Ed Schmidt (Caligua@aol.com) Zak Weisfeld (Zakkk@aol.com) Nubba the Quintuple Editor (Nubba@aol.com) Gabe Wardell (whereabouts unknown) Pigpile1 (pigpile1@aol.com) Ian Smith (freeverse@aol.com) Andrew Ian Feinberg (afeinber@panix.com) David Zubkoff Stephen Frowe (singram@future.atlcom.net) Whitney Fitzgerald (unknown) Joe Wagner (whereabuts known but doesn't own a computer) M.J. Loheed (spoot1@aol.com) Ooze is copyrighted 1995 by Matt Patterson. Individual articles are copyrighted by their respective authors. We reserve the right to edit any correspondence sent to us. Don't steal text or art and claim it as your own, like some little record company did with the cover of issue 2. Contact me BEFORE you rip us off. People will be happier that way. Everyone and everything mentioned in this issue is not real. Ooze has a circulation of 314,203,666. It is free. Pass it along, upload it to your favorite BBS, print up full-color hard copies and give them to the homeless, just keep it in its current format, and give me a significant cut of the profit. And if you post individual articles to other newsgroups and stuff, mention it is from Ooze, and post the sacred e-mail address (drbubonic@aol.com) so people can subscribe. E-mail drbubonic@aol.com for more details, hate mail, subscriptions, and wild dogs. See the end of this document for more details on subscribing and making contributions. - ---- KOO-KOO MAIL Date: Sun, Aug 6, 1995 3:15 PM PDT From: calbary@jovanet.com (Don Wood) I won't even bother to search any thing else on this page. Why is it that today's humor is so banal and twisted? What's the point? Do you eventually want to see or draw pictures of dead people? Or better yet... pictures of newborns or...? Will you laugh at them? Just to get a little more powerful and knowledgeable and perverse? I'm not a preacher, but I make so much sense in statement, "the wages of sin are death." Perhaps it has nothing to do with the death of the sinner but the things he learns from and the world he creates... Outta here! < 2) This inviting figure is representative of the mother- figure. Abnormal responses to this lusty vaginal shape include: hairy vagina, warm slippery cave, or airport hangar. An 'Insane!' warning bell will go off if you insist it's a mutilated cow, or the bust of Redd Foxx. Stick to either 'nice lady in the library', or the bust of a more innocuous celebrity, like Ricardo Montoban. ".\/." 3) Beware of this "trick" inkblot. Answers that typically suggest a problem here include: flatulent milk-cow, potato salad, or the President. Although at first glance it may appear to be something else, in reality, it's just some splotches of ink. Explain to the tester you will not be so easily fooled as the other dupes that come into the office. No matter how much they plead, remember, it's just some crappy ink. It's not a flower, a doggie or two demonic zombies raping a six-fingered woman. I swear. !^*^! 4) This multi-colored inkblot represents how you see yourself in your environment. Cloud-like white blots surround a globe-shape and a black shadow hangs over the whole scene. Good answers include: Supreme Commander, OverLord of Earth, Hitler, and XathNon Stealer of Souls. Answers that could be interpreted as crazy would include: Postman, turnip, or anything alluding to shoes. If you want the tester to think you're incredibly intelligent, turn the card sideways and tell them it looks like the boundaries of pre-unified Prussia circa 1861. :)(: 5) The best response to this blot is to chortle merrily and expose your genitals to the tester. This might distract him long enough to let you leap out the open bay window and flop down three stories down to freedom. Study this document hard, and good luck! You'll be back on the street mumbling to yourself before you know it. - ---- LESSER KNOWN BEN & JERRY'S FLAVORS Chunky Shit Cherry Lewis Nutty Professor Banana Nut Lemon Sausage Stinky Dead Monkey Mint Garlic Bread Baked Alaskan King Crab Bloody OJ Fudge Ben and Jerry flavored Heath Bar Duck Weird Apple Yankovic Che Guava-ra Jelly Beany Mussolini Oreo Cookie Bone Fragment Salty Old Sailor Foreskin Fudge Fudgepacker Munchball Carmel Furball Latrine Licorice Supreme Cunninlingus Confection Crunch Bleu Cheese Tuna Frutti Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Tripe Raspberry Haggus - ---- ------------------------------ From: Ben Floyd Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 09:02:46 +1000 (EST) Subject: Re: Request for help on SKUNK WORKS I watch a docuymentary on the Rothwell incident last night, I am wondering what any body elses opinion is on it. Ben Floyd ------------------------------ From: larry@ichips.intel.com Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 18:55:31 -0700 Subject: Re: Request for help on SKUNK WORKS A few points about the difficulty of correcting Ben's words, and flying high speed aircraft over populations, etc ... . Correct the pictures yes, but be careful about the rest. >Talking about the M-21 Tagboard, page 266: >------------------------------------------ >"On June 16, 1966, we attempted the third test launch of the drone >piggybacking on the SR-71 Blackbird, a two-seater. Bill Parks was our pilot, >and in the second cockpit was Ray Torick, the launch operator. The Blackbird >took off and headed for the California coast, just north of L.A., to launch >over the naval tracking station at Point Mugu. The flight was a dandy. the >drone flew 1600 nautical miles, making eight programmed turns while taking >pictures of the Channel Islands, San Clemente, and Santa Catalina from 92,000 >feet at 4000-plus mph." I wonder if people in the LA area ever saw this test! Remember, back then, TAGBOARD was quite classified (you can read into this 'as classified as what we call 'AURORA' today - if 'AURORA' exists/existed'). One of the D-21 people I know mentioned that he once went to somewhere in the LA area to watch a D-21 test. He may have been referring to the same incident that Ben was, but my source mentioned that it was a D-21B test. So, either there were multiple tests of this type, or someone, due to the fog of time, is mistaken, which is OK. Anyway, the moral of the story is intact, namely, some kind of D-21 test (maybe even more than one) occurred over the heads of everybody! This is of coarse very neat! Perhaps instead of editing Ben's words, we should just caution people to keep in mind a more general interpretation. Who knows, maybe I'm all wet too! > ... b) "aircraft he didn't like": That is a key point! He communicated that well! I'm smiling as I recall some of his words. Ben was very opinionated about certain aircraft, in a very vocal and fun to listen to, kind of way. Of course, you may disagree with him, but it was always fun to listen to his opinions! Don't correct so much that Ben's emotional frame of mind is masked. >Talking about Operation El Dorado Canyon, page 96: > ... >* He also ignored the F-111Fs from Lakenheath, which used the same kind of > "smart bomb" and laser designator, the F-117A would have used. By the way, there is an excellent book entitled "Raid on Kaddafi (sp?)", written by one of the F-111 drivers. He attributed the loss of the F-111F to poor tactics. They shouldn't have had so many F-111F's following the same runin track (is what I recall about this). >Talking about the XB-70 Valkyrie, page 227: EGADS! Ben loved to talk about this one! >"The Air Force was already spending millions developing the North American >B-70, a huge triangular-shaped monster, capable of Mach 2 speeds." [...] >"Kelly [...] told LeMay flat out that from what he had seen of the plans the >B-70 would be obsolete before it was even off the drawing board." [...] >"The B-70 had six engines to the Blackbird's two. Our airplane was nearly >twice as fast, but LeMay told Kelly he didn't know beans about bombers, to >stick to spy planes and mind his own business." >* The XB-70 was Mach 3 capable, same speed as SR-71. Not according to Ben! Ben was quite emotional that the XB-70 NEVER attained Mach 3, even though it has been published that it had. Ben was so emotional about this that I thought it would be worthwhile checking into, which I never did. I can see him staring me right in the eye telling me the XB-70 never attained Mach 3! And he meant it! I of course wasn't sure what to make of this since it seemed totally wrong, according to what has been published. We definitely probed him about this and all he would keep saying was that it didn't do it, never flew Mach 3. He never provided further detail. From memory, didn't the XB-70 barely achieve Mach 3? >Talking about the Northrop F-20, page 307: >"They had lost more than $100 million on that twin-engine fighter, called the >F-20, built at the administration's suggestion as a so-called nonprovocative >fighter, which meant one that was made to be sold to friendly countries but >designed to be vulnerable to our own state-of-the-art interceptors." > >* The F-20 is a single engine light-weight fighter, equivalent to the F-16, > and the loss was mainly due to export restrictions from the U.S. government. Yes, many people have caught the twin-engine gaffe. But, the fact is, that at the time, one of the main reasons the F-20 did so poorly in export sales is that all the other governments wanted F-16's, because the U.S. was buying F-16's too, and not F-20's. It's hard to argue against that, and that is basically what foreign governments asked, "If the F-20 is so good, why doesn't USAF buy them?" I recall at the time, there definitely was the impression (possibly not factual but definitely an impression) that the F-20 was somehow inferior. Remember, Northrop even hired Chuck Yeager to improve the F-20's image! Larry ------------------------------ From: quagga@world.std.com Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 23:50:23 -0400 (EDT) Subject: aargh! hi folks. generally i lurk here and this list has been a fabulous resource of really interesting information not readily available from other sources. there have been some wildly off-topic posts which i have been suffering through with you, but the garbage i got in my mailbox today really took the cake. if someone has the time to moderate this list and even make subscribers pass a skunk quiz, i'm all for it! =) in the meantime, blue skies! Cheryl. USPA A-19274, aspiring PP-ASEL quagga@world.std.com \o/ "Ich habe festgestellt, das es N I C H T S gibt, was Deine (( Aufmerksamkeit schneller und vollstaendiger fesselt, als ein \\ sich nicht oeffender Fallschirm!" PS: If the Sea Shadow is gonna be mothballed... do you suppose they might make it a museum exhibit? =) ------------------------------ From: JMTN47A@prodigy.com (MR DEAN W SMEATON) Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 11:30:08 EDT Subject: Broken Arrow? Yes, this is off subject, but at least it's not UFO stuff! We all probably know what the code words 'Broken Arrow' mean- a nuke 'incident'. If Uncle Sam has code words for a nuke incident, do they have similar codes words for biological and chemical incidents, as well as code words to describe the magnitude of the incident?. If anyone knows these designations, or can suggest where to conduct research, I'd appreciate your input. ------------------------------ From: "Stefan 'Stetson' Skoglund" Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995 08:43:45 +0200 Subject: Re: aargh! I did think that the previous posters was ok but this drivel was most definitely out of bounds. But to go to moderation because of this ? Nahh - -- - --------------------------------------------------------------------- Stefan 'Stetson' Skoglund I | sp2stes1@ida.his.se I | I _____/0\_____ I ____________O(.)O___________ H\"ogskolan i Sk\"ovde, Sverige I I-+-I O I-+-I I I Viggen with two Rb04 - --------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ End of Skunk Works Digest V5 #401 ********************************* To subscribe to skunk-works-digest, send the command: subscribe skunk-works-digest in the body of a message to "majordomo@mail.orst.edu". 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